I don't feel that I connect bad with people. I am very friendly ... so
I like to think I am. I am guessing I have a few friends and they are
hard to catch, because adulthood doesn't give you much time left. I am
44 yo. Full time job, and connect with people its hard outside my
work. I spend 8hrs a day there and the rest of the time at home -
besides my daily workout.
I like to be home. I live in an apartment by myself. My friends are
very few.. but good quality ones. Something I found here in Norway,
that I hadn't back in my home country. I moved to Oslo 5 years ago.
I moved to Oslo because I needed to change my life. To feel better
with myself. 5 years in, and I can honestly say that I am getting
there. I smile more, I can look in the mirror with some ease and I am
very proud of what I have achieved in a foreigner, super different
country from my own. Physically I feel good. I'm handsome, cute and
charming, people say. In spite of my progress, I am still very weak. I
still have many trust/confidence issues. I have this feeling that I am
gonna be alone forever... Doesn't matter what I try, what I do or
don't do. Doesn't work for me the romantic side of life - I just can
not understand. Everything seems so difficult.. and so so herculean.
It's like I am digging and digging trying to achieve something ... and
in the end I find myself then again inside a huge hole in the ground
impossible to come out of. I am afraid of trying... because here I go
again grab my shovel... ending up the same way as before. I recently stopped texting this girl.... because I already seeing myself digging a big hole. trying to go out to drink a coffee for one hour with someone is like trying to kill the Nemean Lion. And then I quit. Eventually time heals... and I finally manage to leave the hole in the ground.
Takes weeks sometimes. Lots of crying, constant self depreciation
thoughts, lots of "whys" and "hows". Why am I so different, Why this
happens to me, how they do it, why so easy for others, how its
impossible for me, etc... Comparing myself with others
I fell lonely for a long time now. I feel a very disheartening person.
I don't have confidence and energy for more. I feel that my mind is
exhausted. 44 years old and still have issues of puberty. I feel
ashamed sometimes. I think about my family - my dad my mom my brother
- I would like to say to them that I am a happy person that finally
found someone, I feel that I disappoint them. They want me to be
happy... I dont know how to give them that. I can honestly say that I
am a sad person.
Because of this lack of connection, lack of sharing love, I am
becoming a bad dude in some ways. Not your stereotypical bad - I'm a
good guy - but bad in a way that maybe because I lack love, I can not
attract it. It's just another of my theories.
I have a big potential. I have beautiful green light eyes. Yes, I do
like them. My eyes make me smile, they shouldn't be crying all the
time. The potential is inside me, hiding. I know I have it, I have
seen it in action. And that's why I need to
unlock it. I dont like Tinder and alike - I have more than 100 matches
there - I assume that they are all 8000km away, or "low quality ones",
or fake accounts. I dont want that. I want to be just like everyone
else. Normal with a normal person next to me.

thanks for reading

Sounds like you have an avoidant insecure attachment style? Or something similar.

can you help me understand that concept? thanks

When you moove to another place,country,you still have within you your personality and the way you’ve learned to deal with your emotions.To moove and change and take new way as you did..gave you something but also gave you stress ,distance from your family ,loneliness, loosing your identity and being more confused ..Now you have new ipersoectives and Are dealing with new emotions and the old ones too.You took the chance to change..your
situation..regarding jobb ..You have to reflect about your emotions how you deal with reflection,friendship,how you open yourself to New ones,why you «run» from properly atachmebt?Is that something reflection in your past ,some other sorrow there that learned you to run that loop?You have to brake the loop....Dare to stopp analysing yourself so hard and brake the loop of negative thoughts..first..Find Some hobby outside your jobb that gives you the feeling you di something for yourself outside jobb.So you Get a little bit happier with youself then you will be better and easier with a more positive energy to find friendship or more..Maybe you Are dealing with depression,loneliness ,traumas without being aware of it?Stay strong and trust you are worthy and good enough ! Do remember now is pandemi and many have to deal more with negative feelings Because og lockdown.