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Lost my family ( English )

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Lost my family ( English )

nov 2 2017 - 17:19
I write in English but I can understand written Norsk if anyone replies
I have lost my family mainly due to my depression.
My partner and myself have struggled, especially the last 2 and a half years after moving further down the west coast. Over that period there has have been many changes occurring. My depression got a severe hold over me the last 10 months. I have acted in ways that have effected the children and my partner. I tried my best to get help over the last 8 months with medication advice/ adjustment etc, but I was just going around in circles. I started to get more angry with my partner and paronoid. I was being pushed away. She was protecting herself. I see that now. We were in the blame game. For sure she didn't know my pain and mine hers. I was controlling and suspicious. I got paranoid over alt. I added my own value to things being pushed away. This made me more insecure and I couldn't function as I normally would. I felt so guilty, I always were trying to make up for my behavior , and that I understood her resentments. I was also screaming for help at the same time. I wanted and tried to get help for my family. I was worried about the way I was acting and effecting them. At the same time I didn't see things clearly, if that makes sense. I wanted the pattern and pain to stop for everyone. I wanted support but couldn't give it either. Hard for a non depressed person to understand that, when they struggle also. I love her so.
Anytime I've done anything stupid is when I have drank to much to fast. This night I describe below is the same.

I snapped. I felt so not listened to and pushed away, I snapped.
I locked my partner out of the house. She warned me she would called the police. I was shocked she did that.
It shattered me, but she had good reason,
My partner allowed to stay as long as I went to bed, and stayed there. I woke up a while later distressed , and full of guilt. No way in the world I won't hurt my family, but I did. I cut my wrist and took lots of tablets and left. Lucky my son didn't see me cutting myself, but the words he heard me say, I want to die etc is bad enough. The police came looking for me. A few thing prior to this I have argued in front of my son with my partner while she was in his room. Yes full.
My son was traumatized as he heard my drama. That poor boy , my partner and young daughter as well . I left the house and walked a little through the neighboring empty paddock, The police found me a short distance away, I went to the hospital, and later left after treatment with no intent to j escape the process. I asked the nurse if I could go, and I was told yes, apparently I must go through the 24 hr pysc watch process. I went home, my boy was scared of me. Breaks my heart the pain I caused. The police came and got me, and I was released 10 hrs later.
My partner left and took the kids to her parents. I broke a few things at home , when I came home that night. Yes after a few beers. I was angry at her but more angry at myself. I was broken completely and still had all these drugs in my system.
After a week I put myself into the hospital for the care I need. The hole time in there my only concern was for my family..My children´s and partners health are so important to me. It mayn´t appear that way by my actions, but it´s not what's in was my heart.
5 days before I was released from hospital, 18 days ago my partner came and told me the relationship is over, I´m to find somewhere else to live
I´m shattered, the depression has lifted greatly. That´s all I wanted was to get help. I tried to get help with the medication for months and months. All it took was a large increase in dosage. The doctors said the dosage I was on, was way to low for to long. .
Anyway, my poor kids and ex partner . The pain I caused . The trauma. I hope short term and hopefully not long term. If that's a constellation . My boy won´t go to school and is scared I might visit the house. I just want to hug him my beautiful girl also
I have the pain of losing my partner also, who I love dearly, who says it over. It feels she blames me for everything. True the last months she didn't know me and was surviving herself . . She has no intention to be a family, and heal together. It hurts all around. Especially as I m not seen for the man I´m . Old patterns wouldnt occur, as therapy and support are in place. Yes we were in a pattern a long time. As she says noone is to blame. She says to much has happened, and we just need to move forward for the kids. True.
I agree the important thing are the kids. She won´t risk us being together due to the kids as I have broken her trust. I just have to live with the lost, knowing that she doesn´t think enough of us as a family. That's depressive enough on top of everything. No I'm not just worried about myself.
I have to survive for my kids, just hanging on . I just wanted support. That´s gone family wise, Og to heal as a Family.. I know the kids come first and she protects the kids from any more possible drama .There wouldn't be any more. There pain kills me inside, there health means everything to me . I we
I feel trapped as I have limited time with kids. As its up to my son if he feels like seeing me. I have only seen the kids 4 times over the last 6 weeks. Im sure my son is blocking his feelings, as he is coping with a lot. My daughter seems ok, but is copying him. My ex partner seems to have cut off any emotion , she has a lot to deal with. She protects the kids ,which is correct, Herself also, but I believe it could be made right. I have no idea what she feels, and it's sad that's she probably feels nothing for me, As I said the important thing is the kids health and I just got to endure. I've been lucky I have a friend , the one friend I know who put a roof over my head the last days .
Pain pain

Re: Lost my family ( English )

nov 10 2017 - 00:58
My dear friend.

This was a bit too much to read for me, so i will shorten it up and compress my answer,

There sure is a lot for you to process here, never mind us who shall help. You are a good person, never forget that. Keep your heart, keep moving forward, but never so fast that you lose yourself. If you lose yourself, you cannot be a good leader for your son.

There are always jobs, you can always test yourself, you can always do some good.

But remember one thing; If you do not care about yourself; Nobody will care about you. Start with yourself. Do not give up, my friend. I will give you all i have. The world is full of possibilities. Take them.

pa mye

nov 11 2017 - 00:19
I thank you for your reply.
I was hoping for replies, whatever they were. I know
Yes it's a lot to read ,but better to better it out there and
, hope to get some positive advice to help myself to help my family
move forward ..

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