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Here's a rant about my life
april 17 2021 - 22:19
I'm having a pretty bad day and having a lot of unhealthy thoughts. Not thinking of killing myself, but I wouldn't say even if I was. I really don't understand the system. I am required to work to stay here and be with my loved ones and to have work I need to not have problems so it's in my best interest to hide anything. So fine. Whatever. Maybe it won't even matter soon.
On days like this I make some throw away account and rant about all my problems. I normally don't bother to read all the replies. There's only so many times I can start to hear the same useless advice, but I'll be back for sure this time because it's really important. I just want to really stress that I need actual practical solutions and not breathing exercises and "wow I know that feeling. It will get better."s.
Sorry if this is all disjointed. I haven't eaten in quite a while because I've been throwing up and my stomach is in knots. Also I have been working all day without a break and not drinking enough (same reason) and sweating a lot so my head is a little loopy. I expect I'd anyone is reading this they will be heading down now to tell me that water is important and stuff. Save yourself the trouble. I know. Also staying alive is important and that means working.
My life depends on preforming well at work. You see there's a virus running around and Oslo has shut down a lot of places. I'm one of the lucky ones that still has a job because I know that I have to bleed for it. That isn't a metaphor. I'm bleeding pretty regularly. If I don't keep up with this kind of stuff I won't have a job. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm under a lot of pressure. It's getting to me, but what choice do I have?
For some people it's not even a question of killing yourself. It's about how hard you are willing to fight to stay alive. I know exactly where that line is for me.
Unfortunately no man is an island. As much as everyone makes me feel so. I'm struggling every day to do the right thing and recycle and use the masks properly so I don't put anyone at risk and follow all the rules and I don't get the same. People really just don't care about anyone but themselves. Why am I suffering to take care of this stupid planet and all of you nasty selfish horrible littering jerks that don't even wash your hands?
I really struggle to answer that. My hands are shaking right now with how mad I am just thinking about it, but I keep doing it. I keep cleaning up after people that see me as an opportunity to get away with something. I keep doing it because I hope there's another person out there like me. I haven't seen any, but if I give up that hope I don't know where my line is going to move to.
Just kidding. I'm actually healthy and don't have any problems and I'm not at risk for anything, but just for fun let's pretend and I'll continue.
Like I was saying I am stuck in a situation where I must be responsible for even mistakes that are not mine. I can't even do what I am supposed to and not make mistakes and have that be enough. I also have to look out for any other mistakes other people do and fix them for the people that actually messed it up. It's left me with a lot of stress and I don't even have time to meditate or relax in any way. Even doing this cuts into my precious little sleeping time. And I'm not even earning good pay even among the not great pay that is standard!
So my latest problem that I really need help with is that I needed to renew my permanent residence card. Don't ask me why it's called "permanent". Because of the virus I couldn't get an appointment. The website said that they would contact me with an appointment. Actually they didn't and I saw today that it was expired and they have removed my request so I have to get a new appointment. According to the webpage I must not leave Norway.
I can't call them because it's the weekend and I don't know what this mistake will cost me. I have a feeling it won't matter that I've done things right.
So that's my rant. I'm getting the old nagging feeling that this was a waist of time and I should just delete it all so I'm going to post it quick without editing. I feel bad for anyone that reads this. I'll be probably be back in a few hours and/or tomorrow.
Re: Here's a rant about my life
april 19 2021 - 15:01
april 19 2021 - 21:04
Re: Here's a rant about my life
april 19 2021 - 21:26