Today is 19th Dec, so close to Christmas. I believe people will either feel extra lonely, or not lonely at all.

Recent days I feel I can’t really concentrate on studying (or the thing I supposed to do). Deep fears both from childhood and young adulthood keep coming up, and I lost the courage when I just left family.

I can see clearly how the former experience affecting me. I can sort of feel my self-protection on myself which trying to lead to certain directions, but I tried to oversee it. I would rather not talk about my special situation. And then bad things happened, the deep fear happened again. I deal with it, and calm myself down, remember myself it was chance of luck even tho I believe it has certain reasons.

What reasons can it be? I’m an annoying person who never be good enough, no one want to stay close to me and I’m worthless.

But I try to swipe these bad things to another category: luck. It will work, but after 3, 4, 5, 6 times of bad luck happen in a row, I start to wonder why even luck appreciate me so much.

I’m scared by not knowing the truth. I don’t know I’m worthy enough or not. It’s difficult to change my thoughts patterns.

Alright, I just feel so, so, so tired of living, I’m so tried. I feel so tried about analyzing myself everyday so try to behave myself as a lovely person, tried of pushing myself to do more while I’m young because I’m more afraid of still being pathetic while I’m older. I keep running and running and running which seems like I never stopped and don’t know the end. I lie to myself there is an end, so I can still keep running, or I will be worse, I even can’t sit there and type.

I’m so tried, and I’m also tried of sleeping. Talking. Thinking.

"Whatever I do is wrong, you will never be satisfied". One and half year I stopped hearing this from my parents. I was happy for a while but then realize the toxic poison is still flowing in my blood.

"Whatever I do is wrong, I will never be good enough". I say this to myself, not because I want to slander myself on purpose but truth does seems like it. I’m 23 and I feel I never did anything really made me happy. Real happy without concerning. I think when I have a great job I love, have decent inntekt, have a big house of my own which means no-one can swipe me away from there.

And now, I'm tired of typing again, I don't know what to do at all.