The boy with a love-factory for a heart

Min bror som hadde downs syndrom fikk kreft og døde i 2016. Jeg skrev et dikt den 21 mars 2018, da det både var verdens downs-dag og verdens poesi-dag samtidig. Det er på engelsk, men håper jeg kan legge det her likevel.
Jeg har slitt i godt over 10 år med det psykiske, og for 13 år fikk jeg diagnosen Schizofreni.

When you were born
My whole life changed.
We had to re-think
We still didn't know how
or what you'd become
Could you be anything?
Would you ever find love?

Would you ever fit in?

My mom asked the question
And it made me cry.
I remember confusion
And a deepfelt fright.

I made you a promise
But I kept it inside:
I promised to help you
With love and your life.
I wouldn't quit trying
Until the day that you died.

For the first time in life
I felt like I was needed.
The responsibility i felt
Had my little heart beating
In a way it had never
Beaten before.

The love that I felt -
From my skin
To my core

That painful feeling
"You will outlive your baby brother.
Because people with downs
Don't live as long as the others."
A fact about life
From a sad, loving mother.

As you grew up
I thought less about that.
You kept teaching us lessons
About that love
We feared you never would have.

Turned out that your heart
Was like a love-factory
Both recieving and producing
It was amazing to see.
And the way that you loved
Had a profound effect
On everyone - including me.

Your group of friends grew
And you even got a girlfriend.
There was so much
To be proud of
As you disproved that early
Fear-based, odd, love-theory.

The promise I made you
It kept me alive.
When my own heart was heavy
It forced me to survive.
I managed to hold on
Even though it was hard.

But even my schizophrenia
Didn't prepare me
For this
Most difficult part:

A demon named leukemia
Would tear us apart.

Outliving you
Came sooner
Than we expected.
And my fear
Has grown stronger
Since that demon was detected.

When I grow weary
And my thoughts turn dark.
I try to remember you from the start:

That boy with the love-factory for a heart.

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