Tilbake Tilbake: Angst

Selforiented question

Hei! Jeg aner ikke om dette er et dikt, men jeg har ialle fall prøvd å skrive noe. Og jeg ønsker å lære meg å skrive. Om dette er en skriveform du kjenner til, hadde det vært kjekt å høre hvordan, da det er i denne duren jeg ønsker å skrive. Den er på engelsk, fordi jeg ønsker å utfordre meg i engelsk, da jeg prøver å bli bedre. Spørsmålene er rettet mot det indre meg.

What scares me so much, making deep interaction with people? Why would such a great man like me, always wanted something so much, when its truely harm me? Like the social friendships when I was younger. The friend I had, always wanted to be with me, called me, came to the door. And I really had a tons of good times with him. But often when he wanted to be with me, I felt like I would rather be alone. And even if the times I was alone, felt sadly really often. It was like a black hole of an unidentified insecurety, maybe a personality insecurety. But I was a very detailed persona. I collected all kind of stuff, just to orginize it into some figures or estetical persepsions. Used Renatiboxes, glass-bottles, energydrinks, cars, even money somehow. And I always had a lot of money. I always knewed how much I had, in counted coins from 1-20kr in a golden tower. And I had a stack of cash sorted the same ways, and after the correct amounts. Always counted and wrote it down, with date. That way i could se my progression. Had I got more money than the last time, or less. I hated less. Like really! I would rather take jobs like cut the gress in the backyard to get back on the right track, at the age of 11/12. The golden tower is fenomenal. A tower you put your coins, and it shows the correct amount of coins it is in the tower. And from there, you just add the amounts together, wich also improve the mathematical aspects of development. That was a big start for my ecqonomical perception.

Back to the clue, it was something about my social relations wich I never opened myself to go deep into. I feel like I maybe always is a unlocked man, with my fear for saying wrong things to people, to talk in phone on the bus infront of other people, the fear for people to mean something about me or dont like me, the struggle with making deep relations, the fear for calling my own friends to hang out, the awkwardness around girls, to not be good enought for the society. This feelings is something that really impact the victim of them. Its harsh. And even if the clever gurus world around says feelings like this should be overlooked and erased with «visualize I’m all good», and «you are your toughts, change them», its really not that simple. And I am not that person who gives up that easy and find myself in things that mind my buisiness, but its really not that simple. Ive tried so much. Seen hours and hours of «how to be the best yourself»-videos, studied psycology and the structure of my brain, social work and relation with people. Thats scares me. I go the path, that says something about my deep struggles. Maybe im a little evil after all, why such a great man like me, always wanted something so much, when its truely harm me? (Ikke et spørsmål til publikum, men meg selv).

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